Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
