We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
