There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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