Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
