They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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