Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
