My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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