the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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