The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
