I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
