hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
