what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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