guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
please come you make the beer taste better
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
