We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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