so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
