Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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