Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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