don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
