I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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