I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
