I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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