Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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