it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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