you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
