I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
