she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
jump out the window naked night went bad
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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