And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
from now on my penis is your penis
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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