went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize