we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just pee around me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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