Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
