He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
