How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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