At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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