I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
