What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize