Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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