note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
