I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
