The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
whose parrot is this?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize