new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
