Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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