What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
