I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
