So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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