Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It was confusing and full of hummus
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I need moral support for this bender
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
3 2 1 whiskey
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
