Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
