life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
