My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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