Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize