My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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