he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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