When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
