Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
