I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
