Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Less talking, more tequila
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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