I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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