I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
