i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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