they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Someone came in the potted fern
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
