I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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