I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
