Sponge bath it is.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
